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«It is not a good life that one that you are offering me.»
«No in fact it is not but you will choose it.» He was enigmatically smiling in the shadow and I did not understand the reason, I replied a little annoyed.
«Haven’t you got something better to offer me?»
«Surely, I can offer you a quiet life with a serene wife and a son that will never cause you any problem, an easy and remunerative job, a beautiful house, not sumptuos but with all the comforts, a good culture and long years without any serious accidents...»
«Well, even if anonymous it looks to me like a good life - I started to get interested - what ever else have you at your disposal?»
«Well let me think, oh yes listen what do you think of this: journalist, winner of the Pulitzer prize, screenwriter of bestselling films, with a lot of money and sorrounded by wonderful women, a perfect health...»
«Yeah I can say that it interests me very much, where is the problem?»
He shaked his head «It is a short but intense life you will die before your 40th birthday in an airplane crash, all of your love bonds will be short, intense, pleasant, but they will leave no trace.»
I started to get disappointed «A short period of life, pleasant but empty, in every respect I would be a meteor that leave no trace, as you said.»
«Well, I see that you are understanding, then do you accept the first one?»
Annoyed I snorted «I do not see anything attracting in the first one, it is for sure a life that nobody would ever accept!»
«In fact, no one, but you will!»
«How can you be so sure? I do not understand the reason of your exaggerated certainty...»
He made himself comfortable on his seat and after he had make up his mind continued.
«You have always chosen lives similar to this one, it is stronger than you, this life is made just for you, no one could choose it except you, if you think about it it is a wonderful life...»
I stopped him with a gesture of the hand.
«That I always chosen lives like that you are saying this, I do not remember, you know well, I have to trust your words, and then... yeah! a wonderful life? but where is it the magnificence? From what you have said it is a life full of sorrow, of loneliness, of pain, of invalidity, of disappointments and bitterness, of regrets and desperation…where is the magnificence in this?»
«The pureness of a love beyond the death, of a love made of regret and melancholy that it will accompany you until the end of your life, yes it is a life of loneliness, cruel and unfair, the people that will become part of your life all of these persons sooner or later will harm you, all of them will cause you sorrow and disappointment, but they will not change your heart. You will be a writer and it will be very difficult for you to be successful, your works will be discovered after your death, and for all your life you will have a dull work full of humiliations and you will suffer in silence, without rebelling, you will have moments of desperation but in spite of all you will carry on, the hope will guide you, always betrayed, of a better tomorrow, all the persons that you will love will be taken away from you or they will mock you, you will be almost blind and deaf, but you will see things and colours that the others could not even dream of, you will heard the very voice of the nature where the others could only heard the buzz of the crowd, you will have your heart full of love and no one to give it to...»
Again I shaked my head.
«I do not like it, I would be a fool to accept a life like that, is it possible that there is nothing good in it, nothing that could make my choice easier?»
He was disappointed «You are not listening to me! I offer you something unique and sublime, you will be the only one capable to love with pure heart...»
«Oh yes sure but without founding who will accept this love and then what is it sublime in a life made only with sorrow and humiliations?»
«But you will be loved!»
I looked at him in a interrogative way «You have just said all the opposite, that I will always lose who I will love, that I will have only disillusions and bitterness, then in what does it consist this love?»
«She will love you beyond her own life, you will lose her when she will be very young but she will live in your heart for all of your life, every time that a new sorrow will put you down she will be by your side and in your heart and in your dreams, you will dedicate your best writings to her, many time you will be deceived and some women will dare to compare to her restored to life and you will trust them, but every time, after any new deception it will be only her who will be by your side with her memory. A love could last for years, maybe many years, but always there are disagreements and squabbles, instead your love will last until the end and also beyond, it will live forever until your words will be read, it will live after that the paper will be dust because it is a love that goes far beyond the death... it turn to legend!»
I was upset and embittered, then timidly I made a new objection «And she? Have you already found her? Will you find who will accept to die very young without living her life how she dreamed about it? Will she be satisfied of a so short life that will last only in the memory that I will carry along with me?»
«Yes, I found her, she has accepted it immediately!»
«Does she have accepted so little?»
«She has accepted something that no other woman will ever know, she will live eternally in your dreams and in your words, she will live in the hearts of all the people who will read your words, she will live thousand, millions life thank to you, yet another time you have made her immortal, nearly a thousand years ago, and your names of that time are legend and they will be legend again because you will riperpetuate with this new life of sorrow the dream of a love that is out of time and space. She has accepted and you will do it for her.»
«Nearly a thousand years ago... and after that?»
«Here the time flows differently, Jaufre, and it is arrived the time to return in the world to riperpetuate this legend, because the love is vanishing from the world, too much arrogance, too much greediness, too much rapacity, they confuse the love with something that is by no way worthy to be compared with, you have already sang the love and after a thousand years your life lives again in the dreams of the poets, your world has changed, it has changed a lot, you could not recognize it but you will recognize your verses, you will love them as you have loved her without ever seeing her. The world is in need of love, it needs a dream, you will offer it, offer it again. She has not doubted, why are you doubting now?»
Now I was starting to be upset and distressed.
«She will live for a short period of time, it is not right that she could not know neither the tenderness of a kiss...»
«Nor you will know that tenderness but after many years passed in the regret and in loneliness your soul will fly and you will write the more beautiful pages ever written for a woman, and those pages will be written for her! - he sweetly looked at me - now does it seems to you a so useless and empty life?»
«It is a life of immense sorrow...»
«You will see colours that the other ones could not see even in their dreams!»
«Of immeasurable loneliness...»
«You will never be alone if you will search in yourself you always will find her, she will disappear when you will be mistaken by some woman who will play jokes on you, but she will never leave you...»
«It will be a forgotten life and a life spent in the shadow...»
«Sure! Everything that you will start it will be condemned to failure, it must be, it could not be differently...»
«Living without love it is terrible!»
«You will transform the love into a legend, after a thousand years you will give new life to the myth, only in the last part of your life you will put on the paper a chant of love that deeply will shake the souls, then they will search for your writings and in everyone of them they will find an echo of that chant, they will found it when you will have already closed your eyes, but your words will never be forgotten...»
«Will I be a poet?»
«You have already been, poet and musician, you will be a storyteller instead and you will tell your dreams and your hopes, your illusions and your bitterness, they will not listen to you, then one day you will speak only about her, they will find those words and they will never forget them...»
«It is so hard to decide...»
«You have already decided, Jaufre, you have already decided when I told you that she has already accepted a short life because you could sing it and remember her also to the motionless and far away stars.»
I could not do anything else that nodding.
«Yes I have already accepted, you are right, it is the only life that I could choose to live, but will I remember this dialogue?»
«No, you know well that you will not remember it, for years you will suffer for an unjust and painful destiny that will deprive you of the simplest joys, then slowly you will understand and one day you will write your immortal pages, but you will never know, for all of your life you will live in the shadow and in the sorrow, only in your dreams sometimes you will have faint flashes of memories, they will help you to carry on, to find the courage to live till the end of your calvary.»
«And then? Will it be a life where we could love each other and live together? Will all of this pain have an end one day?»
«Maybe, maybe not, maybe it will be necessary another time your sacrifice in order to awaken again the myth of love, but you will share one life with her, I do not know when but that moment will arrive if you will be strong enough and brave enough to await it, she has this strenght and you?»
I felt a light touch on my shoulder, I lift up my eyes, my wonderful countess was near me and she was encouraging me with her presence.
I had no reason to esitate, I caressed her hand and nodded, I was accepting, for love of my beautiful countess.
«Will I recognize her immediately?»
«You will recognize each other immediately and you will be always near for the few months that she will live after having found you.»
She squeezed my shoulder in order to cheer me up and I bowed my head.
«I accept, it is the only life I could choose...»
There was a dazzling lightning and then distorted and noisy sounds, an unbearable light, I heard a far away cry like of pain and I realized that it came from me...
A voice in the ears «Roberto smile to your daddy!»
But I did not see anything I could not focus on, I felt only an immense pain and in some way I understood that it was only the beginning...
Written on the 4th August 1996, it deals with the countess Melisenda of Tripoli and Jaufre Rudel de Blaja that will return in other passages and on which event I started some time ago a brief novel.